It’s 9:00 p.m on a Sunday night and where in the world would I be besides Westeros?
For anyone who was tied up in the trunk of a car (because why else would you miss an episode?), here’s the low down on what you missed:
We catch up with Arya after her latest kidnapping, she’s thinking about bashing The Hound’s head in while he sleeps.
He manages to dissuade her with some rather graphic threats. He tells her he’d never hurt her, he’s doesn’t beat girls. He explains how he saved her sister from the pervs in the barn.
Aria looks pretty incredulous when he explains that he’s not taking her back to King’s Landing but rather to her uncle’s wedding to be reunited with her mother brother albeit for a reward. Hey whaddya know, that’s just where she wanted to go. It seems we may have misjudged the old Hound after all.
Stannis finally decides to go visit his old friend Davos, the Onion Knight, who’s in desperate need of a little hooked on phonics. Stannis will let him out as long as he doesn’t go all assassin on Melisandre again. Davos agrees. Then Stannis says… oh by the way, Melly wants to kill my brother’s kid because his blood is magic.
Davos, of course, tries to talk him out of it, but Stannis is certain that this is required of him as his duty, plus he’s sprung on that red haired witch.
Meanwhile, Melisandre is about to go all cougar town on Gendry. She liquors him up, strips him and gets busy…and then she pulls a switcheroo. She whips a few leeches out of her nightstand (Well it’s where I keep mine!) and starts placing them all over his ahem..body, in a very business-like manner. I thought it was some kind of foreplay, but then King Stannis and Davos stroll in like it’s all good. They ignore Gendry’s cries for help. Melisandre removes the leaches and hands them to Stannis. He starts checking of his off his enemies names like a to-do list while he throws the bloody leeches in the fire. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t wishing them well.
Sansa and Tyrion are equally apprehensive about their pending nuptials. And Shae is stomping around like somebody stole her tricycle. Tyrion tries hard to assure Sansa he means her no harm. Just when she seems a little less like a deer in the headlights, guess who shows up to walk her down the aisle, Satan er, um Joffrey!
Tyrion is waiting at the alter with the officiant with a little helpful stool. Just for kicks and giggles Joffrey decides to remove it. It’s not clear why until the officiant tells Tyrion to cloak his bride in Lannister colors to protect her. Sounds like a pretty dope tradition, except Tyrion can’t reach her shoulders because his nephew from hell has stolen his stool.
It doesn’t get any better at the reception. Joffrey pulls Sansa aside to promise her the wedding gift of a little rape later on. His next move is try to force a bedding ceremony on a terrified Sansa and an already humiliated Tyrion. Tyrion threatens the king with a penectomy. Joffrey throws a really unattractive hissy fit that calls to mind shades of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka, I half expected Oompa Loompas to carry him away. Bad egg! Tyrion, despite pressure from his father to put a lion in the wolf girl’s belly, sticks to his guns and promises to keep his distance until Sansa wants otherwise. She basically tells him not to hold his breath.
Margery who has been so clever up until now, attempts to cozy up to her homicidal future mother/sister-in-law by calling her “sister”. Cersei tells her the gruesome story of the Rains of Castamere. She then politely tells Margaery if she ever calls her sister again, she’ll have her strangled in her sleep. I became a fan!
Meanwhile, back on the ranch (or the desert, whatever), Daenerys is meeting with some hired goons determined to defeat her in battle on the behalf of the Yunkai slavers. The captain spends the meeting alternately lewdly propositioning the queen and threatening her with death in battle. She barely blinks. There is the a hint of chemistry between Daenerys and Captain Nasty Mouth’s lieutenant, Daario.
Later, the sellswords flip a coin to decide who will get to kill the dragon queen. That honor is bestowed on Daario. However, that night while Dany’s taking a bath getting all Rosetta Stone with Missandei. Daario comes a’ courtin with the heads of his captain in a bag to lay at Dany’s feet. Swoon! Could this be the beginnings of a true romance?
Lost in the snow, Gilly saves Sam from his pitiful fire making skills. Then Sam saves Gilly and her unnamed son from the Jack Frost Zombie with his dragon glass and a slayer is born!!
I can’t wait until next week! What are your favorite moments from tonight’s show?