Hey everyone! How was your weekend? Did you cry fifteen times talking about your family, get drunk and ask a lesbian inappropriate sex questions, or yell at someone over an awkward lunch?
If so, you’re going to love last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Let’s dig in!
The show opens with another heart melting scene of Theresa’s daughters screaming at each other. Theresa handles the mess like any mother of the year – telling her kids to “Zip it” to which they respectfully respond, “You zip it.”
Meanwhile at Melissa’s, we see her husband and boys playing football inside ending in the youngest getting a ball to the face. Joey tells him, “Don’t you cry.” Moments like these make it really obvious that Joey and Theresa are related.
By the third scene, I’ve decided that this episode is dedicated to the not-so-happy family dynamics of this show. Caroline’s scenes show her daughter yelling at them to bring her coffee, her sister introducing her to a toothless dog named Frito that has been living in Caroline’s home for months without her knowledge, and two German shepherds in crates barking hysterically at everyone. No wonder they got that extra apartment in Hoboken.
And now it’s Kathy’s turn for scenes of her “happy” family. She and her husband take their son out in their Mercedes to practice driving. While she freaks out about driving safely, her husband jokes about a topless girl in the back seat and “getting to fourth gear so your hand is closer to the girl’s thigh.” At this point in the episode, I think Kathy’s eyes may get permanently stuck in the back of her head if rolls them at her husband’s jokes one more time.
Finally, we get to see actual inspirational family scenes with Jacqueline filming a video blog for Parenting Magazine about her autistic son. She breaks into tears talking about his initial autism diagnosis. Meanwhile, her husband opens up to Joey talking about the toll dealing with an autistic son has taken on his and Jacqueline’s relationship.
After Joey’s request in last week’s episode, Caroline reaches out and plans a lunch with Theresa. Theresa’s husband Joe gives her a pep talk pre-lunch saying, “If she starts to lecture you….just leave.” Theresa convinces herself that the point of the lunch is for Caroline to apologize to her. I’m not even going to describe the conversation that includes Theresa saying Melissa tricked her brother into marrying her through magical period blood. You read that right.
Later, Kathy and her husband visit her daughter at nursing college. Kathy tries to get serious talking to her daughter about her regretting that she never went to college while her husband makes cracks about everything and sticks his finger in the mannequin’s mouths.
Melissa and Joey have an open house, trying to sell their home to get farther away from Theresa’s family. For some reason, they decide to stay in the house during the open house including their two screaming kids. Joey bemoans selling his house for only $3.8 million, calling the house a masterpiece and himself Joey Michelangelo. Ironically, at the same time, a realtor touring the home breaks a knob off the sink and points out cracks in the walls.
The time is finally here for Caroline and Theresa’s big lunch. There’s really no way to properly recap this lunch. It goes a little something like this: yell, finger point, deflect, yell, finger point, eye roll, deflect, bull…. Carolyn tells the camera afterwards, “My brain hurts.” Me too Carolyn, me too.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline hosts a party at her home with the rest of the cast. The guys and Kathy’s lesbian sister play poker while the girls drink wine in the kitchen. Jacqueline’s husband lets the guys in on a secret – that he’s been working with a therapist to teach their autistic son to tell Jacqueline he loves her again and plans to have him do that tonight. He does it and the room breaks into tears. It’s a lone sweet and authentic scene in a show full of silly pettiness.
Next week, the great parenting continues as Melissa and Theresa come to a head at a child’s birthday party.